Lewis Carroll

The Elections to the Hebdomadal Council

‘Now is the winter of our discontent.’ 1

‘HEARD ye the arrow hurtle in the sky?
Heard ye the dragon-monster’s dreadful cry?’—
Excuse this sudden burst of the Heroic;
The present state of things would vex a Stoic!
And just as Sairey Gamp, for pains within,
Administered a modicum of gin,
So does my mind, when vexed and ill at ease,
Console itself with soothing similes,
The ‘dragon-monster’ (pestilential schism!)
I need not tell you is Conservatism.
The ‘hurtling arrow’ (till we find, a better)
Is represented by the present Letter.
	’Twas, I remember, but the other day, 
Dear Senior Censor, that you chanced to say 
You thought these party-combinations would 
Be found, ‘though needful, no unmingled good.’ 
Unmingled good? They are unmingled ill!2   
I never took to them, and never will —3  
What am I saying? Heed it not, my friend: 
On the next page I mean to recommend 
The very dodges that I now condemn 
In the Conservatives! Don’t hint to them 
A word of this! (In confidence. Ahem!)   
	Need I rehearse the history of Jowett? 
I need not, Senior Censor, for you know it. 4  
That was the Board Hebdomadal, and oh! 
Who would be free, themselves must strike the blow! 
Let each that wears a beard, and each that shaves, 
Join in the cry ‘We never will be slaves!’ 
‘But can the University afford 
To be a slave to any kind of board? 
A slave?’ you shuddering ask. ‘Think you it can, Sir?’ 
‘Not at the present moment,’ is my answer.
I’ve thought the matter o’er and o’er again
And given to it all my powers of brain;
I’ve thought it out, and this is what I make it,
(And I don’t care a Tory how you take it:)
It may be right to go ahead, 1 guess: 
It may be right to stop, I do confess;
Also, it may be right to retrogress? 5    
So says the oracle, and, for myself, 
Must say it beats to fits the one at Delphi!
	To save beloved Oxford from the yoke, 
(For this majority’s beyond a joke), 
We must combine, 6 aye! hold a caucus-meeting, 7 
Unless we want to get another beating. 
That they should ‘bottle’ us is nothing new — 
But shall they bottle us and caucus too? 
See the ‘fell unity of purpose’ now 
With such Obstructives plunge into the row! 8 
‘Factious Minorities,’ we used to sigh — 
‘Factious Majorities’ is now the cry. 
‘Votes — ninety-two’ — no combination here: 
‘Vores — ninety-three’ — conspiracy, ‘tis clear! 9  
You urge ‘‘Tis but a unit.’ I reply  
That in that unit lurks their ‘unity’. 
Our voters often bolt, and often baulk us, 
But then, they never, never go to caucus! 
Our voters ca’n’t forget the maxim famous
	‘Semel electum semper eligamus’: 
They never can be worked into a ferment 
By visionary promise of preferment, 
Nor taught, by hints of ‘Paradise’ 10 beguiled,	
To whisper ‘C for Chairman’ like a child! 11
And thus the friends that we have tempted down
Oft take the two-o’clock Express for town. 12
	This is our danger: this the secret foe 
That aims at Oxford such a deadly blow. 
What champion can we find to save the State, 
To crush the plot? We darkly whisper ‘Wait!’ 13
	My scheme is this: remove the votes of all 
The residents that are not Liberal — 14
Leave the young Tutors uncontrolled and free, 
And Oxford then shall see — what it shall see. 
What next? Why then, I say, let Convocation 
Be shorn of all her powers of legislation. 15
But why stop there? Let us go boldly on — 
Sweep everything beginning with a ‘Con’ 
Into oblivion! Convocation first, 
Conservatism next, and last, and worst, 16
	‘Concilium Hebdomadale’ must, 
Consumed and conquered, be consigned to dust!  
	And here I must relate a little fable 
I heard last Saturday at our high table: — 
The cats, it seems, were masters of the house, 
And held their own against the rat and mouse: 
Of course the others couldn’t stand it long, 
So held a caucus (not, in their case, wrong); 
And, when they were assembled to a man, 
Uprose an aged rat, and thus began: —
	‘Brothers in bondage! Shall we bear to be 
For ever left in a minority? 
With what “fell unity of purpose” cats 
Oppose the trusting innocence of rats! 
So unsuspicious are we of disguise, 
Their machinations take us by surprise — 17 
Insulting and tyrannical absurdities! 18
 Is it too bad by half — upon my word it is!
For, now that these Con ––––– , cats, I should say (frizzle ‘em), 
Are masters, they exterminate like Islam! 19 
How shall we deal with them? I’ll tell you how: — 
Let none but kittens be allowed to miaow! 
The Liberal kittens seize us but in play, 
And, while they frolic, we can run away; 
But older cats are not so generous, 
Their claws are too Conservative for us! 
Then let them keep the stable and the oats, 
While kittens, rats, and mice have all the votes,
	‘Yes; banish cats! The kittens would not use 
Their powers for blind obstruction, 20 nor refuse 
To let us sip the cream and gnaw the cheese — 
How glorious then would be our destinies! 21
Kittens and rats would occupy the throne, 
And rule the larder for itself alone!’ 22

	So rhymed my friend, and asked me what I thought of it. 
I told him that so much as I had caught of it 
Appeared to me (as I need hardly mention) 
Entirely undeserving of attention.

	But now, to guide the Congregation, when 
It numbers none but really ‘able’ men,
A ‘Vice-Cancellarius’ will be needed 
Of every kind of human weakness weeded!
Is such the president that we have got?
He ought no doubt to be; why should he not? 23
I do not hint that Liberals should dare
To oust the present holder of the chair —
But surely he would not object to be
Gently examined by a Board of three?
Their duty being just to ascertain
That he’s ‘all there’ (I mean, of course, in brain),
And that his mind, from ‘petty details’ clear,
Is fitted for the duties of his sphere.

	All this is merely moonshine, till we get 
The seal of Parliament upon it set. 
A word then, Senior Censor, in your ear: 
The Government is in a state of fear — 
Like some old gentleman, abroad at night, 
Seized with a sudden shiver of affright, 
Who offers money, on his bended knees, 
To the first skulking vagabond he sees — 
Now is the lucky moment for our task; 
They daren’t refuse us anything we ask! 24

	And then our Fellowships shall open be 
To Intellect, no meaner quality! 
No moral excellence, no social fitness 
Shall ever be admissible as witness. 
‘Avaunt, dull Virtue!’ is Oxonia’s cry: 
‘Come to my arms, ingenious Villainy!’

	For Classic Fellowships, an honour high,
Simonides and Co. will then apply —
Our Mathematics will to Oxford bring 
The 'cutest members of the betting-ring — 
Law Fellowships will start upon their journeys 
A myriad of unscrupulous attorneys — 
While prisoners, doomed till now to toil unknown, 
Shall mount the Physical Professor’s throne! 
And thus would Oxford educate, indeed, 
Men far beyond a merely local need — 
With no career before them, I may say, 25
Unless they’re wise enough to go away. 
And seek far West, or in the distant East, 
Another flock of pigeons to be fleeced.

	I might go on, and trace the destiny 
Of Oxford in an age which, though it be 
Thus breaking with tradition, owns a new 
Allegiance to the intellectual few — 
(I mean, of course, the — pshaw! no matter who!) 
But, were I to pursue the boundless theme, 
I fear that I should seem to you to dream. 26

	This to fulfil, or even — humbler far — 
To shun Conservatism’s noxious star 
And all the evils that it brings behind, 
These pestilential coils must be untwined — 
The party-coils, that clog the march of Mind —
Choked in whose meshes Oxford, slowly wise, 
Has lain for three disastrous centuries. 27
	Away with them! (It is for this I yearn!) 
Each twist untwist, each Turner overturn! 
Disfranchise each Conservative, and cancel 
The votes of Michell, Liddon, Wall, and Mansel! 
Then, then shall Oxford be herself again,
Neglect the heart, and cultivate the brain — 
Then this shall be the burden of our song, 
‘All change is good — whatever is, is wrong —’
Then Intellect’s proud flag shall be unfurled, 
And Brain and Brain alone, shall rule the world!