William Barnes

Second Collection. Riddles

       Anne an’ Joey a-ta’ken.

A. A plague! theäse cow wont stand a bit,
  Noo sooner do she zee me zit
  Ageän her, than she’s in a trot,
  A-runnèn to zome other spot.

J. Why ’tis the dog do sceäre the cow,
  He worried her a-vield benow.

A. Goo in, Ah! Liplap, where’s your taïl!

J. He’s off, then up athirt the raïl.
  Your cow there, Anne’s a-come to hand
  A goodish milcher. A. If she’d stand.
  But then she’ll steäre an’ start wi’ fright
  To zee a dumbledore in flight.
  Last week she het the païl a flought,
  An’ flung my meal o’ milk half out.

J. Ha! Ha! But Anny, here, what lout
  Broke half your small païl’s bottom out?

A. What lout indeed! What, do ye own
  The neäme? What dropp’d en on a stwone?

J. Hee! Hee! Well now he’s out o’ trim
  Wi’ only half a bottom to en;
  Could you still vill en’ to the brim
  An’ yit not let the milk run drough en?

A. Aye, as for nonsense, Joe, your head
  Do hold it all so tight’s a blather,
  But if ’tis any good, do shed
  It all so leäky as a lather.
  Could you vill païls ’ithout a bottom,
  Yourself that be so deeply skill’d?

J. Well, ees, I could, if I’d a-got em
  Inside o’ bigger woones a-vill’d.

A. La! that is zome’hat vor to hatch!
  Here answer me theäse little catch.
  Down under water an’ o’ top o’t
  I went, an’ didden touch a drop o’t,

J. Not when at mowèn time I took
  An’ pull’d ye out o’ Longmeäd brook,
  Where you’d a-slidder’d down the edge
  An’ zunk knee-deep bezide the zedge,
  A-tryèn to reäke out a clote.

A. Aye I do hear your chucklèn droat
  When I athirt the brudge did bring
  Zome water on my head vrom spring.
  Then under water an’ o’ top o’t,
  Wer I an’ didden touch a drop o’t.

J. O Lauk! What thik wold riddle still,
  Why that’s as wold as Duncliffe Hill;
  “A two-lagg’d thing do run avore
  An’ run behind a man.
  An’ never run upon his lags
  Though on his lags do stan’.
   What’s that?
   I don’t think you do know.
  There idden sich a thing to show.
  Not know? Why yonder by the stall
  ’S a wheel-barrow bezide the wall,
  Don’t he stand on his lags so trim,
  An’ run on nothèn but his wheels wold rim.

A. There’s horn vor Goodman’s eye-zight seäke;
  There’s horn vor Goodman’s mouth to teäke;
  There’s horn vor Goodman’s ears, as well
  As horn vor Goodman’s nose to smell—
  What horns be they, then? Do your hat
  Hold wit enough to tell us that?

J. Oh! horns! but no, I’ll tell ye what,
  My cow is hornless, an’ she’s knot.

A. Horn vor the mouth’s a hornèn cup.

J. An’ eäle ’s good stuff to vill en up.

A. An’ horn vor eyes is horn vor light,
  Vrom Goodman’s lantern after night;
  Horn vor the ears is woone to sound
  Vor hunters out wi’ ho’se an’ hound;
  But horn that vo’k do buy to smell o’
  Is hart’s-horn. J. Is it? What d’ye tell o’
  How proud we be, vor ben’t we smart?
  Aye, horn is horn, an’ hart is hart.
  Well here then, Anne, while we be at it,
  ’S a ball vor you if you can bat it.
  On dree-lags, two-lags, by the zide
  O’ vower-lags, woonce did zit wi’ pride,
  When vower-lags, that velt a prick,
  Vrom zix-lags, het two lags a kick.
  An’ two an’ dree-lags vell, all vive,
  Slap down, zome dead an’ zome alive.

A. Teeh! heeh! what have ye now then, Joe,
  At last, to meäke a riddle o’?

J. Your dree-lagg’d stool woone night did bear
  Up you a milkèn wi’ a peair;
  An’ there a zix-lagg’d stout did prick
  Your vow’r-lagg’d cow, an meäke her kick,
  A-hettèn, wi’ a pretty pat,
  Your stool an’ you so flat ’s a mat.
  You scrambled up a little dirty,
  But I do hope it didden hurt ye.

A. You hope, indeed! a likely ceäse,
  Wi’ thik broad grin athirt your feäce.
  You saucy good-vor-nothèn chap,
  I’ll gi’e your grinnèn feäce a slap,
  Your drawlèn tongue can only run
  To turn a body into fun.

J. Oh! I woont do ’t ageän. Oh dear!
  Till next time, Anny. Oh my ear!
  Oh! Anne, why you’ve a-het my hat
  ’Ithin the milk, now look at that.

A. Do sar ye right, then, I don’t ceäre.
  I’ll thump your noddle,—there—there—there.