Pelham Grenville Wodehouse

The Pessimist

They tell me that the weather’s fair, 
    The day serene and balmy; 
No more for rain need I prepare – 
    No chilly blast shall harm me. 
They prate of ‘warmth’, of ‘gentle glows’, 
    They rave of how sublime it is; 
I shake my head, as one who knows 
    Just what the British climate is.
 
They say the trees are growing green, 
    That flowers are in bloom, 
That bees and butterflies are seen; 
    They bid me quit my room. 
My hat and boots to me they bear. 
    They tell me what crime it is 
To stay indoors; but I’m aware 
    Just what the British climate is. 

The tale they tell is just the same 
    They told in days of yore. 
I know the weather’s deadly game – 
    I’ve seen it played before. 
I call it deadly: well, to those 
    By nature such as I’m, it is. 
One suffers much before one knows 
    Just what the British climate is. 

This is my fixed resolve – to keep 
    Thick clothing always handy, 
Add extra blankets when I sleep, 
    And not run short of brandy. 
I wager we’ll be having snow 
    Before midsummer-time it is. 
I’ll take no risks. I chance to know 
    Just what the British climate is.