William Harrison Ainsworth

The Ballad of the Beard

I.

IN masculine beauty, or else I am wrong, 
Perfection consists in a beard that is long; 
By man it is cherished, by woman revered, — 
Hence every good fellow is known by his beard.
  
II.

Barbarossa, and Blackbeard, and Bluebeard, we know, 
Let the hair on their chins most abundantly grow: 
So did Francis the First, and our Harry the bluff,
And the great Bajazet had beard more than enough.

III.

Now the faces of those bearded worthies compare 
With the faces of others divested of hair; 
And you’ll very soon see — if you’ve got any eyes — 
On which side the superiority lies.
  
IV.

Then take to the BEARD, and have done with the razor! 
Don’t disfigure yourself any longer, I pray, sir! 
Wear a Beard. You will find it becoming and pleasant, 
And your wife will admire you much more than at present.
 
V.

Of cuts we’ve the Spanish, Italian, and Dutch,
The old and the new, and the common overmuch;
You may have your beard trimm’d any way that you please,
Curled, twisted, or stuck out like chevaux-de-frise.
  
VI.

You may wear, if you choose, a beard, piek-a-devant, 
A beard like a hammer, or jagg’d like a saw,— 
A beard called “cathedral,” and shaped like a tile, 
Which the widow in Hudibras served to beguile.
 
VII.

A beard like a dagger — nay, don’t be afraid, — 
A beard like a bodkin, a beard like a spade; 
A beard like a sugar-loaf, beard like a fork, 
A beard like a Hebrew, a beard like a Turk.

VIII.

Any one of these beards may be yours if you list — 
According to fancy you trim it or twist. 
As to colour, that matters, I ween, not a pin — 
But a bushy black beard is the surest to win.
  
IX.

So take to the BEARD, and abandon the razor!
Have done with all soaping and shaving, I say, sir!
By a scrub of a barber be never more sheared, sir;
But adorn cheek and chin with a handsome long beard, sir!